It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
