i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
