You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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