I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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