I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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