We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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