I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dick very happy bro
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
