it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
