theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize