i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
