Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
