I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
