Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
