i just had sex bonerless
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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