At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
