Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
