Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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