So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
