how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry đŹ
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing âHappy Birthdayâ to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, âWhy didnât you sing along?!?â I responded, âI donât know him. I donât give a shit if he has a happy birthday.â
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