I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
