i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
