i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
