I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The air taste purple.
Randomize
