im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
