My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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