he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
