I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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