im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
