I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize