it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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