Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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