i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
