I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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