Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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