Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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