I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
