How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
