I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
