he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I AM VODKA MAN
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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