If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
