how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
