The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
