fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
