she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
babies were throwing up all over the place
tonight lets celebrate not being married
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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