i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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