Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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