Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think your dad took our porno
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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