Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So many bounce houses so little time
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
