i need an iv and a liver transplant
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize