i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
