my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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