I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
