That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
