if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
