On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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