guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
