I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
