So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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