The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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