I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize